Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
