I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
