Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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