Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
