It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
