I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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