there's paper in my vomit.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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