I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
