The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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