I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
