Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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