So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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