wakey wakey hands off snakey
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry