I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him