I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.