so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
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You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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