I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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