tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
