If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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