It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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