woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
