please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
