thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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