Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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