I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The struggles of a small town man whore
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
