i may or may not be watching the land before time
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
