So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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