I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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