I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
