Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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