i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
