Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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