I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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