I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
