i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
