I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
