Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
