Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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