Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
