No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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