before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
