farters have to be the big spoon...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
