Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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