VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
