Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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