I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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