I'm really into asian looking animals
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
