i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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