If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
