Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
