He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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