Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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