sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
