If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
