Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
