She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
