My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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