Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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