Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
