What did we do last night that was yellow?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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