Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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