dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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