im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
