So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God