can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast